Moody Allen

“Time for that abortion!”

(Source: frederatorbooks)

Community

I’m more than fine with believing that the season 3 finale of Community can (and will in my mind) work as the series finale.

Awkward

I say “awkward” during awkward situations because holding a sign that says “I’m A Complete Moron” would be too tiring.

Six Wows and a Wowie

Community tonight. Wow. Community tonight. Wow.

My dog showed up on my doorstep today after 2 years! He was a little scruffed up and his collar wasn’t on him, but it’s him! He’s changed so much though, he kind of looks like a severed human arm now! 

Love Letter

I wrote my crush a note:

“Hey. I don’t know if you knew, but I like you. And I think you like me too.”

She read it, smiled, wrote on it, and sent it back:

“Too short.”

I was filled with glee. She wanted a longer love letter! Clearly, I was going to marry this girl. I told her how I wanted to go to the movies with her. I told her I wanted to hold her hand. I told her that the color of her eyes were like two blue M&M’s.

I told her that I loved her.

I sent the letter back, not knowing what to think. Was she going to come over and hug me? Maybe even a kiss on the cheek? I was nervous but happy that she was obviously so much in love with me that she wanted a longer love letter.

As she read the letter, she and her friends laughed mercilessly like Homer Simpson watching Hans Moleman getting hit in the nuts by a football.

One of them came over to me wiping her tears of unbridled joy and said,

“She means you’re too short!”

I was 4’11. She wasn’t wrong. I looked over at my crush. She didn’t even want to look at me.

I ran to the bathroom and cried. I cried harder than I ever cried in my life.

And then, I remembered what my Grandpa once told me.

“Don’t be ashamed of who you are.”

I ran back into the classroom. Sat in my desk. Opened up my book.

And cried in front of everyone.

Stranded in the Woods

We were stranded in the woods. I was really scared and was never so out in the middle of nowhere before.

“What are we gonna do?” I asked sincerely.

There was no response.

I looked back at her and she was listening to her iPod. She started singing the prechorus of “Forever Young” by Alphaville.

I started yelping out Jay-Z’s trademark “Chyeah’s” and “NYC’s.”

She laughed and then we started talking about how much we hate when Jay-Z does that.

She said her brother listened to a lot of rap. He lived in Canada now with his girlfriend. She originally supported the move, but she’s really worried about her taking advantage of him.

She said her boyfriend doesn’t like to talk. The only time they ever talk is after sex, and the discussion is always only about crazy things that happened to him in high school.

She said she spent her high school years sitting in her room watching Woody Allen movies and writing poems.

We had that in common. 

Hours of “Manhattan” analysis/geeking out later, the sun rose. We were still laughing and talking.

She revealed that she was scheduled for an abortion later that day. 

“What am I gonna do?” she asked, not specifically to me, but to the world in general.

I didn’t know what to say.

Drunk off the lack of sleep, I started singing the prechorus of “Forever Young” by Alphaville.

Chicken

She asked me what I would like from Jack In The Box this evening. 

I told her that I wanted a delicious chicken sandwich.

At the next window, she gave me directions to the closest Chic-Fil-A.

McDonald’s

She asked me if I would like to try the new Cherry Berry Chiller.

I told her that I’d like to be taller. That I’d like to not want to be taller.

I told her that I wanted to feel happy for myself, to not question every little good thing that happens to me. To not exaggerate every little bad thing that happens to me.

I told her that I wanted to rewind to my childhood, not to relive it, but to to eradicate any seed of anxiety and insecurity that would eventually grow into this self-hating ficus that didn’t know how to talk to people.

I told her that I wanted to rewind to Mother’s Day 2011 to give my mom the flowers she deserved, as well as every Father’s Day to give her the flowers that she deserved.

I told her that I wanted to be able to be sincere with people and not mask my emotions with half-baked B jokes.

I told her that I wanted to see the world as a good place, and not a factory that only built people who are generally better than me.

I told her that I was a very sad and angry person, and that there was nothing that she could possibly give me that would make me a better person.

Then just to cynically hammer it all in, I told her that if there was something that she could give me that would solve all my problems, that I’d like it with no cheese.

She paused for a few seconds. I heard her talking with other people. The price popped up on the screen and she told me to go to the next window to pay.

I paid and then went to the next window to receive an inspirational, tough kick in the pants speech that I could post on Tumblr and that would finally make me feel like an interesting person that interesting things happen to.

The window opened and I was given a Cherry Berry Chiller.

"You talk about… you wanna— you wanna write a book but, but— in the end, you’d rather buy the Porsche."

Isaac Davis, Main Character of Woody Allen’s Manhattan